WOF Conference... and then Some

So tonight I just got back from the Women of Faith Conference that was held out in Philadelphia and my thoughts are good and bad. I definately enjoyed myself, but there were definately certain elements lacking.

Don't get me wrong or anything, I was able to take a way a few golden thoughts, but I simply felt like it could have been so much more. Perhaps this is because I am used to the hyped up youth group atmosphere, and I enjoy that. Also, I felt like all of the speakers relied heavily on anecdotes instead of the word of God.

Ok, so yes, I love to be encouraged by people around me, but I did not go to this conference to hear a motivational speaker. I went to let God speak into my life and to give my soul respite. I have been so weary.

It was nice to spend the time with my mom and Nancy too... but on the ride home... I just felt like everything was bugging me. I was tired, and I know I was letting things bug me more than they should, but I would try and let something go, and it just seemed like the next thing said would bug me more. I felt a little babied and misunderstood all at once. I also felt like I was being told what to do. Tell me I don't sound like an emotional teenager. Too bad I'm 21 or maybe that excuse could work.

I'm at a point in life where I feel stuck in between and I feel like I have no one to walk this road with. What can I say? I feel like I've finally become the rebellious child that I never was. I like my independence alright, and I hate when I trouble my parents. Sometimes I simply feel directionless and a little hopeless. Of course, the next day I'm perfectly excited about where I am and what I could be doing with my current situation.

Too be honest, being this open right now is a little frightening... as it usually is.
But I'm a little sick of silence right now. Although silence often times prevents conflict.

I need God... I am desperate for Him. I don't know how else I am going to accomplish anything. I keep saying it again and again. I have too much on my plate and I can't do any more. I burn the candle on both ends and try to complete multiple tasks at once at work and at home. I take time to volunteer, intern, and study a class. Somewhere in the middle of all this i attend church and a young adult's bible study. Some things are getting better. It's not all bad. Actually, it's all good. Just maybe it was too much good at one time. There is light at the end of the tunnel... and I'm starting to see it, and I'm so thankful, because I didn't know how much longer I could hold on.

On the verge of a breakdown, the best place to pour out my heart and my tears, is on God's shoulder. He pulls me into His embrace and tells me how He loves me. Reminds me that I'm His child, and he always provides. He proves faithful each and every time. So when I am weak, I place my trust in Him, take life one day at a time, and lean on Him.

What else can I say? Pray for me- You know we all need it, and I'll be the first to admit it.
Thanks.

Summer Livin'

So I know the last post was a little dramatic... what can I say, I like to write! :)
Anyhow... this will not be like that.

And... because the summer as been so crazy I will need to post in stages...

However, for now suffice it to say that it has been very busy and a lot of fun.
I am so thankful for all of the opportunities that have come my way.
And I'm trying to be more and more of who I should be.
Trying to serve my family with a heart of love.
Sometimes we make little tasks seem like they're so horrible,
but really, how hard is it to clean up the table, or take out the trash?
It's not so bad... besides, how we serve shows how we love.

Ok. so the real posts on the summer are soon to come!

Did You Know

I'm talking to you and you don't even know it.
I'm drawn to you and I'm not even sure why.
I can't call you mine and for some reason I still think I'd like to.
I'm trying to just trust God... but sometimes it's confusing.
What is it about you that is so much like a magnet?
There is passion in your soul and fire in your eyes.
Energy in your being and love in the way you live life.
I guess you could call this a "love letter" since it sounds like one,
Just call me friend for now, it's all I really want for now,
Really this is just the ramblings of a girl who wishes she knew more.
Knew more about who you are and where you come from.
Knew more about who she is and where she's going.
What is God's plan for this life anyways?
I'm sure you've been there too.
Why is it I can't help but smile when I think about you?
And when someone else says your name,
I laugh to myself as though I knew some kind of inside joke,
But it's really only because you bring me joy in some simple way.
I don't know that we'll ever be together,
And I don't want to assume either one way or the other.
Did you know I was praying for you?
I don't know why... but I was compelled.
I hope all is going well for you, and I hope you are living your dreams.
I pray that every passion in you brings you to a place where God moves through you.
We all want to see God's power in our lives and in the lives of the people around us.
It's really cool when He makes Himself to evident to us.
I might not be the greatest theological thinker or philosopher,
But I know that God is faithful and He is able.
I'm so thankful that no matter what comes of all "this",
I can believe and know that He is in control.
And what is before each of us in this life on earth,
Is so much greater than anything we can possibly imagine.
My life is already so far from where I envisioned only a couple years ago...
But do you see where He has brought me?
I am blessed beyond measure...
And still dreaming of the future.
I want someone to dream with, to plan with, to be with.
I guess we all want that even from when we're little.
It's a funny thing how right from the beginning we know that we were made for relationship.
How much more is it important that we nurture our relationship with God?
And how many times have I wandered?
Not to a place of disbeleif... but perhaps a valley of indifference, or satisfaction.
I do not want to be satisfied... and I never want to become mediocre.
I love my Jesus. He is my Light, and my Salvation.
Precious Jesus who loves me... Even though I don't deserve it.
It's amazing how that is... That He would die for us.
Can you imagine love like that?
People say they would take a bullet for someone...
But how many of us really would?
I think my fear might overtake me...
And what is it I would fear?
That I might die and go to heaven where I would live eternally?
It's a little shameful...
I hope you haven't minded my ramblings...
And I wish this had been in person...
But I didn't leave alot of room for response.
So hopefully at some point we'll have a chance to sit and talk.
In the meantime,
Know that you are supported by a friend,
And I'll still be praying for you.

Determined to Live

I want to walk in God's Spirit.
I am determined to let Him be my guide, my strength, my everything.
In fact my very reason for being.

And I know that when I allow Him to be my everything,
This is when I truly live!

And I rejoice because I know that as I walk in His Spirit I can see miracles.
I can see the dead rise, the deaf hear, the mute speak, and the blind see.
The ones who are in pain will be made strong and healthy,
Those who are broken and in despair will be made whole.
This is the power of my God and I walk in it daily.

When I call out on His name, He hears me, and He answers me.
He does not neglet His children who are His prized creation.
For I am made to worship Him and to live in communion with Him.

Everyday I learn to see Jesus in the people around me.
Everyday I learn to have compassion and see beyond my present circumstance.
Everyday I learn to pray and seek God without ceasing.

I am not who I was yesterday, nor am I who I will be tomorrow.
Yet God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.
He never changes, He stays the same. And He is perfect.
I pray that as I change I become more like Jesus...

Thank God that He sees me as pure and holy through the atonement of Christ.
I am but a mere mortal, yet He has made a way for righteousness.

Fear says... alot of things.
But Faith says... God ALWAYS prevails.

It Was a Good Day... But This Post Doesn't Make It Sound That Way?

So it was kinda a long day... but all in all I would say it was pretty good.

First issue of the day was that I simply got up too late...
Why is it so easy to tell off the alarm and then flip over?
I don't know.
One of life's mysteries I guess...
Actually, I think it's due to the very warm, cozy, snuggly feeling I wake up with...
which disappears as soon as my comforter does. Oh well.

Beyond that I felt pretty accomplished at work.
Kurt and I have been pretty perseverant to make sure things are taken care of.
And I have been unusually focused and I've held a new sense of purpose.
While I'm not sure where exactly it came from, I am thankful for it.
I don't want to be lazy.

So we took care of orders, and church accounts, and kayla helped with receiving.
Multiple "issues" were handled, and lunch was beautiful.
In fact, half of my buritto waits for me for tomorrow. Oh joy!

Went to a meeting in the evening (away from work) which was really more like a social gathering... and it was great... didn't hurt that I was surrounded by friends :).

Took off from there to the movies and saw Caspian with mom and aven!

I'm still battling my thoughts. And what I mean by that is simply this:
I can be very creative... and sometimes I really think I could write a movie.
But one of the annoying things I do to myself is that I fabricate conversations.
Uh huh... I was talking to you today and you didn't even know it.
Wanna know what you said?
Haha. Yea, sometimes it's entertaining...
but you can see how this would be a problem.
I want to live in the "real world."
I'm not psycho, I'm just a dreamer.
Part of who God made me. And don't get me wrong,
I like being me.
But I like being me face to face when you can actually tell me what you're thinking.
I don't need to be making assumptions.

Ok, now that I've creeped you all out...
Although, I know I'm not the only one... some of you confessed to me...
I just happen to be brave enough to blog it.
Of course... there is like no one that reads this I think...
Who knows.

Anyways... I think chocolate at the theater...
after buritto for early dinner...
has got my stomach in knots.
I am therefore headed to bed.

Much Luv

Anticipation

So... It's been an interesting 24 hours.
I was preparing to hop in bed and I received an email that made me jump out of my seat.
I shouldn't really have been so excited, but I was.
And I was glowing for most of the day.
It was as if I were on a caffeine pill...
Or like I said to Pastor Troy, as though i'd had 5 cups of coffee.
My thoughts were going in a zillion directions...
And I was just praying to God that I would focus on Him and let things be.
I need Him to be in control.

So the day was Kinda Extreme.

I walked around today in complete anticipation.
Every moment, minute, and hour I was just ecstatic.
And then it happened, and I was happy...
and then it went a little downhill.
You see... I tend to feel a little foolish sometimes.
And the thing is that I'm not sure if I actually acted foolishly...
or if I'm just feeling self-conscious.
I can definately say that I was very aware.

Full of hope... and feeling a little silly, but happy.

I can't really say that things went happily ever after.
But that's mostly because life doesn't end when the sun goes down.
Most of the time that is a good thing...
So I am still anticipating... and not really sure exactly for what.

Sorry that I cannot explain further...
I feel like I don't really want to share the cause of all this.

But sometimes emotions can be a bigger part of the story.
You could probably say that I was over-reacting.
A little dramatic perhaps...
but I couldnt' take the smile from my face.
I wanted to laugh... and I wanted to cry.

It was hard to focus.

So all that being said,
I simply need to continuously surrender myself to God...
Completely.

He needs to be in control!
Because who knows what would happen if I were.

Desperate For God

I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind tonight... some good... some a little depressing. But I found a note that I wrote at a prayer meeting a little while back... maybe 2 weeks. And it said something really encouraging... and since this is my first blog... I wanted to start with hope... and remind myself as well that in spite of it all... these next few lines remain as a steady truth.

"I am sustained by God.
Tonight I was made whole again.
I have been comforted by my Maker.
He has loved me like no other.
There is peace in His presence that goes beyond anything I know.
I am desperate for God.
I will never turn back.
I love my Jesus."