I Just Wanted to Blog I Guess

So... Sometimes I really want to blog.
But I'm not sure what to say.
And sometimes I know exactly what I want to say.
But then I realize I don't want you reading that! (Oh my...)
So... Sometimes I really want to blog, but I don't.

Don't get me wrong... It's not that I don't want to share my thoughts.
It's more like... I don't want to scare you away :-P.
In fact, sometimes I have to wonder if it's too late for that anyways!

I suppose not... or you wouldn't be reading now... So here goes!

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Now I know blogging was supposed to be a huge "fad" to hit the ceiling...
but really I think people just wanted a point of connection.
Face to face confession and confrontation makes us nervous.
If you show someone who you really are then you are giving them a chance to reject you.
On the other hand... an online confession means you don't have to watch their reaction.
Now isn't that the chickens way out!
Now let me back up a second... I am not dishing on blogging, or facebook, or IM.
Actually... I love all of these. It's very cool to be able to see little blurbs of peoples' lives.
But sometimes (and I'm sure you done this too) I need a friend...
and instead of a phone call I just start typing away to save the day...
(Otherwise known as "to beat the band")

BTW... why do we "beat the band"?
My cousins were in the band and I gotta say I know this "sport" beat you up enough
without everyone else joining in on a beat the band member marathon.
Ok... side note over.

If you know me well enough... Then you know I enjoy saying things like...
"Note to Self" and "Side Note" or maybe you've heard this one: Maning Raviac!
(OK I'll be honest, that was a recent one time hysterical mistake... but I liked it! haha)
Mostly I like quarky little things that make people laugh.
Truthfully, I really love to see people laugh.
Not the fake guffaw that says "This is so awkward cuz you're so not funny"
Or the forced chuckle saying "I wish I weren't here right now ucz you're so boring"
No... I love the laugh that makes people glow and bubble with amazing awesomeness!
Because that is what our God is - Amazing Awesomeness!
And all of that amazing awesomeness was put into you and me,
we were made to bring Him glory, and I think our laughter brings Him joy too.

So back to blogging... Who ever thought of the word "blog" anyways?
It sounds so... boggy. I dunno. It works... obviously, since we all now know what a blog is.
So congrats to the genious who thought it up... and I suppose thank you...
Because like I said... I like blogging.

I think it's because I enjoy sharing my thoughts.

Fact 1: I enjoy sharing my opinion.
Fact 2: I enjoy teaching.
Fact 3: I enjoy learning.
Fact 4: I enjoy conversation.
Fact 5: I enjoy writing.
Fact 6: I enjoy reading.
Fact 7: I enjoy You.

There- 7 is the perfect number and those are 7 perfect reasons to blog :)
(Cheesy, I know.)

Alright well... if you made it this far through my blog then you deserve a reward.
So this is tonight's goody...
I wrote a very small poem/verse...
And honestly, I debated on sharing it but here ya go...
There's no title, but I think it speaks for itself fairly well.

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"I hold my lips shut tightly
So I don't say what's on my mind
Cuz I can't take the risk and tell you
I don't want to be left behind
It's too easy to lose what you've got
Even though I don't have you
I'm not about to let go
And in spite of all this craziness
I still want you to Know
But I hold my lips shut tightly" - (C) 2009 LMF

Title: "Draw a Line" (This is all about Holiness)

Sometimes you have to draw a line...

Even though no one else will.

Sometimes you have to take a hit,

Back out of the scene, and disappear for a while...

Just so the line can hold integrity.

There are times when it hurts to be who you are...

But you know God calls you to be more than that,

And so you take another step.

There are times that you wish you could...

Even though you know it would be wrong.

Who are you trying to be?

What are you trying to prove?

How are you going to grow?

Can you stand here and claim salvation,

When you're drowning in this world?

The gospel is the remedy,

And the Word of God is your soulfood.

Hunger and thirst for Him alone.

So when your heart is troubled by guilt...

How fast can you step out of it and back into God?

Sometimes it isn't easy,

And the fight feels a little too tough...

But it's worth it all in the end, if you endure.

The road gets a little lonely,

But God is there and He lights the way.

It's easy to see when you've stepped off the path,

Because that's when the darkness overtakes.

What are you trying to say,

When you're babbbling excuses?

Do you really think it makes it ok?

Sometimes you have to draw a line..

Where nobody else is willing to.
Draw a Line and it will be worth it. It will be worth it all.

No Definition

The title of this blog is No Definition for a reason.
A title defines what you are about to read.
And what you are reading here is the lack of definition and clarity in my mind and spirit.
I know I desire God... and I know I have changed my course so many times.
And I am so scared of living life wrong- and I know that living scared is wrong.
But where is the passion? Where is the purpose? Where is MY dream?
I'm sick of knowing that I "enjoy" such a great variety...
I want to get back to doing what God planted in me.
To stay where I am is a sacrifice and to go is the same.
I wish I could reverse life so I could be little again, just to escape.
But the truth is that I would end up right back here.
I don't want to just be happy, I want to make a difference.

I was at youth tonight,
and I had been desperate to get there because I needed to meet with God.
I know a youth staff should be there for the students but...
I wanted to worship, and to seek his face in prayer.
I got there late and missed the beginning of the service.

I will still meet with God tonight but I am yearning for him to prove himself once again.

Why do I feel so old?

I am being completely honest and please don't hold it against me.

I feel so alone. Where are the people I call friends?
Who will let me cry on their shoulder? Who will pray with me?
I know God is sufficient...

I don't mean to sound long suffering but I need to vent.

This past week I've been stressed.
I'm trying so hard to take things in stride.
On top of that I've been a little sick, so I'm off kilter.
One more reason why these ramblings are crazy.
My mind is in a million directions, or you could say no direction

I'm going to go give it to God now... now that I've had my say.
Perhaps I can let him have his too.

I need definition, I need hope, I need something to look foward to.

I need to stop worrying.

I need God.

Memory - Isaiah 61 : 1 - 4

I am beginning to read the book "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore.

The first chapter calls for me to use Isaish 61 : 1 - 4 as a memory scripture.

Hold me accountable and memorize with me!

Thanks :)

ISAIAH 61 : 1 - 4

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generastions.

Yay!

Ok, so basically today was awesome!

No... nothing spectacular really happened... I just enjoyed myself.
Granted, there were still the "problem issues" at work... but we got through them.
And at the end of the day... I wasn't tired really, so I went shopping!

I was going to start Christmas shopping tomorrow,
but with the mall open until 11 I got alot done tonight! yay!
I found some good things, funny things... and yea... I can't spoil the surprises yet!
So I keep my secrets for now! haha.

Currently, I'm trying to finish the book I'm reading: Crazy Love.
Yea, I know, I started it FOREVER ago! But I'm almost done... and I'm loving it :).

onward...

Re-Evaluate

Re-Evaluate Spiritually:

I was evaluating the quality of music that I listen to... and I was reading a book. As soon, as the music thought came to me, the next page started talking about music and how it drives us and how it can draw towards God, or away from Him. How music can be our spiritual love song.

I love how God speaks. He whispers right into our hearts and then affirms His truth.
How amazing is the grace of our creator!

So... I am going to be more conscious of what I allow my ears to intake- and be more purposeful in my choices to listen to things that glorify God.

Re-Evaluate Financially:

So tithing is one of those things that we should all do and many of us do. Of course, many of us do not... and some of do sometimes. Me? I do... sometimes.

This is another thing I want to learn to do purposely, not only on the occassion when it happens to cross my mind. And I certainly don't want to be playing "catch up". This isn't about giving my dues to a club... this is honoring God with the blessings He has given to me. So really, I just need to remember where the blessing comes from before I decide what to do with it.

Re-Evaluate Emotionally:

I need to quit thinking about it- lol. And no, I can't really explain cuz it doesn't really make sense. So... there.

End of the Year

It's been crazy.
Book work and projects and class.
Yea, that's right, just one class.
But so much grunt work! Yuck...
However, I have my final project completed and I get to present it tomorrow. Yay.
I suppose I can say I've learned alot. A whole bunch of hand tagging html.
It's fun because it's like a puzzle, but anyhow, enough of that boring stuff...
you can see my project here:
My Final Project!
And yes... You're allowed to laugh :).

It's the height of the Christmas retail season at the store.
Which means insanity, multitasking, extra hours, and lots of fun!
Of course the store is beautiful with snowflakes and treats on the weekends.
(I might be biased but alot of people seem to agree with me!)

Last week I went to see Quantum of Solace with Kurt...
It was pretty sweet.

And I can't wait for Hans to get home! I miss my lil bro.

Other than that... I've been thinking alot about my future plans.
Future as in like... next semester... and the rest of my life?!
Oh my. Too much.
Definately not taking another class yet though.
It will be nice to take a break.
I am hoping to have a little more time to be over at the church.
And maybe continue to organize my life... it has been getting better.
Even though it's a busy season, I've managed to clean up my office considerably....
Granted, I'm not finished.
I want to be organized. I'm excited for it.
Hm...

Anyways, now I'm rambling, therefore I'm going.
If you want to here me ramble... You know how to find me :).